ECW Recap: Where's the WWE?

Well another week, another ECW in the books but something was a tad different tonight. Where was the WWE? Only one actual "WWE SuperStar" was on this show this week as apparently ECW was left to actually be, you know, its own brand for a week. Maybe this is a sign of things to come? All I know is I'm happy I didn't have to see any live Cena tonight....especially after last night's BS. What am I waiting for though there's a TITLE MATCH TONIGHT! On with the show....

ECW Recap 7/11/06

What Happened Last Week Theater

• Let me explain this the easy way. RVD got busted for pot so they took the title off of his dumb ass and put it on the Big Show. There's a storyline to go along with this apparently but that's the gist....lots of video of sad RVD....he really needs to find something that can help him relax

Paul Heyman is Vince McMahon

• Heyman comes out without his hat and in a suit which means he's now EVIL to the ECW Hardcore fans who apparently can't worship a man who looks successful. Wait, you make money now?!?! YOU'RE A SELLOUT! Oh he also comes with two riot cops....who have full shields to apparently stop the cups from the crowd....um this is a SmackDown crowd, they won't throw anything.....hell they came here to actually WATCH SmackDown...nothing can make them mad....
• Heyman busts out a variation on McMahon saying that he didn't screw RVD....the fans did....doesn't have the same ring as "Bret screwed Bret" but it works I guess
• Apparently the fans have such an influence over RVD that they pushed him so hard that he was going to burn himself out with all the title defenses so Heyman screwed him and suspended him for his own good. Wrestler's listen to the crowd that much? Can we somehow use this to get rid of Randy Orton? Please?
• Something that's always bothered me with Heyman....why does he wear that credential? Having worked in the media I can tell you that only pretentious douchebags wear their credentials when they aren't needed, and I don't think Paul needs to wear his around to get places.....just an observation
• Heyman then really starts to channel Vince as he starts calling himself a martyr and uses the word "crucify" to describe what he did to his relationship with RVD....um....this promo is starting to go downhill fast....
• Paul then calls himself a "messiah" and I've now stopped paying attention. Why can't we go one or two weeks without the ridiculous religious blasphemy? AND I'M NOT EVEN THAT RELIGIOUS! It's just not really effective.....
• They cut to a shot of a little girl in the crowd....I'm sure she came to see Sandman drink some beer and cane a freak....all in due time I'm sure sweetie.....
• Heyman then leaves the ring with cops in tow and walks down hallway...camera of course is following him as he walks by a few ECW jobbers and runs into Tommy Dreamer. Apparently (because there's not a mic on him for the first few seconds so I'm assuming) Tommy wants a real explanation from Paul about what's going on. Heyman does some heel "don't have time" bullshit and says Dreamer has a match and it's right now....Dreamer doesn't seem too happy

Coming up....

• Sabu is in action....and they don't say an opponent so I'm wondering what the outcome will be....HMMMM
• Candice and Kelly will do some PG-14 dancing and then Mike Knox will break it up....just a shot in the dark

ADS

• Geico
• NetFlix
• Verizon Wireless
• Empire Carpet
• GMC
• The Scooter Store (What the hell? Um, is this really the target audience? Old people?)

Tommy Dreamer (in STREET CLOTHES~!) vs. Test

• Tazz (r) and Styles make a big deal of the fact that Dreamer isn't ready to wrestle and is in street clothes. Um this guy normally wrestles in a T-shirt and track pants....WHAT DOES IT REALLY FREAKING MATTER?!?!?
• We get a replay of what seemed like the entire Test vs. Al Snow squash from last week....Test hits the TKO and somewhere Marc Mero is at home yelling across the house for Sable to put some damn clothes on before realizing that Sable left him six years ago and he's actually in the bathroom at the Waffle House....
• Let's see...Test = Big Push while Dreamer = Hasn't won a match in what seems like forever....I think Dreamer may job in this one....going out on a limb....
• Test starts the match by slapping Dreamer like he's Stacy....which pisses Dreamer off....doesn't he know that Test only does this because he loves him so much?!
• Tazz (r) makes a point to say this isn't an "Extreme Rules Match"....hmmm....what the hell am I watching then? Heat?
• Match is going rather slow until what sounds like about 10 dateless wonders start a Tommy Dreamer chant....to steal a phrase from my good friend Captain Insano....I guarantee those guys are still virgins....
• Usual big man offense from Test.....punch, punch, kick, kick and powerful looking slams....but no chinlocks so he's already better then Orton!
• Dreamer makes his big comeback but does anyone really think he's winning except for those 10 idiots?
• Off on a tangent here but does anyone remember that Test originally debuted with the gimmick that he was a former Motley Crue Roadie? I kind of seem him like Dell from Wayne's World 2....with steroids....
• Dreamer is owning this match, but Test gets the rollup and uses the Heel Rope Leverage of Extreme Cheating to get the win....so you have to cheat to beat Tommy Dreamer? Come on! This guy has jobbed to EVERYONE lately except for the Zombie....for shame Test....
• Dreamer is in the ring following the loss and gives his "Angry Face" Good stuff Tommy...see you next loss!

Backstage With Vapid Idiots

• We head backstage where Candace is getting dressed while very shitty music is playing...I understand this segment but do you really need the horrible music? My eardrums are bleeding....
• Now dressed (she put on her boa while we were watching....SCANDAL!) Candace walks out and tells Kelly that when they dance tonight it's going to be EXTREME! Wait...is Candace going to hit Kelly with a chair or something?

AD's

• Saturday Night's Main Event - They call Cena the "Most Dominating Force in Sports Entertainment" and I throw up in my mouth. I swear to god PLEASE STOP THIS!!! Don't book him like he's Superman or Stone Cold.....and please ditch the stupid fucking salute. It makes me want to climb a clocktower.....
• You, Me and Dupree
• Burger King Midgets (apparently they raised Knick Knack from "The Man with the Golden Gun" for this ad....Burger King has that much money)
• Girls Gone Wild (now you're hitting your demo)
• Bell South

Non-Sequitor Theater

• The tarot card reader is back and says "What does the future hold".....TWICE....is she teasing me with the Macho Libre stuff or what?
• She finally lets us in on what the future holds (the suspense was killing me) and apparently it's ....BLOOD! And with that Mordecai er...the Vampire comes into screen and spits blood at the camera.....So he's stealing Gangrel's AND Tajiri's gimmicks?

The ECW Mike Knox Weekly Cock Block (tm)

• Candace and Kelly start to dance to some Euro trash techno that makes my ears hurt more then the first song. I may be a quarter German but I don't like their shitty techno BS....MAKE IT STOP!
• Candace is obviously the man in this relationship as she feels Kelly up constantly and even grinds a big as Kelly bends over....can't say this isn't a good visual....
• Then like clockwork here comes Mike Knox to ruin the fun....YAY! Kelly actually shows some personality as she tries to break away from Knox, but before she gets her comeuppance Sandman comes out and does what he does....and by that I mean cut a coherent promo on the trade deficit between the US and China....or he canes the shit out of Mike Knox....believe what you want...

Ric Flair vs. Big Show Tale of the Tape

• So they are ripping ideas off from SmackDown?!?! Why would you do this? Also where are Tazz's Keys to Victory? I always loved them......My favorite was from the Taker vs. Vince Buried Alive Match where Tazz's Key to Victory for Vince was "Avoid the Hole" Really? Is that what you need to do? That advice also goes for prison by the way....
• Oh, and in case you were wondering I'm sure Tazz's Key to Victory tonight would be something along the lines of... "Don't get pinned or submit"

AD's

• Saturday Night's Main Event - DX version
• Two Sci Fi Shows I could give two shits about
• Doritos
• Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby (go see that and Snakes on a Plane this August!)
• Bell South
• TAG
• GameFly

Diva Search Bullshit

• We get a nice recap and plug for the Diva Search and I'm reminded of last night when I got my first taste of the asshole that is...the Miz. If there was ever a bigger waste of genetic material then Randy Orton it has to be the Miz. That man should be immediately sterilized so that he can't curse us with his seed being passed on. If you looked up the word "Douchebag" in the dictionary it would have a picture of his dumbass smiling face. I mean he's got it ALL. Stupid spiked up haircut with multi-color highlights (looks like one of those "to the Xtreme surfer assholes), pretentious shirt that's supposed to be ironically cool but makes you look like a jackass (this week it said, "WHITE BOY"...OH SO CLEVER!), and he has about as much intelligence as the Diva search contestants. Check that, he probably has LESS then they do since they could at least get THROUGH their promo's while he couldn't read a damn NUMBER OFF HIS ARM! Please for the sake of all that is good in this world DON'T PUT THAT ASSHOLE BACK IN FRONT OF MY TV SCREEN!!! Please.....Now back to the show....

CM Punk Promo

• This week Punk takes us on a tour of his various tats....my fave is the "Drug Free" written across his fingers....RVD are you taking any notes?

Sabu (with or without "unidentified" pills) vs. Justin Credible

• Speaking of drug violations...here is Sabu for his weekly ECW win....apparently he didn't get the memo that this isn't an "Extreme Rules" match as he brought a chair with him to the ring, but the ref takes it away......What the hell is going on? Isn't this supposed to be EXTREME Championship Wrestling?
• We get things started and after a little Sabu offense Credible is outside the ring and looking to grab a table...did he not get the "Not Extreme" memo either?
• Sabu then starts with the usual high flying moves that have made him the most over "ECW Guy" there is right now....I'm sure his match at SNME will be great....
• Sabu then puts Credible on the table outside the ring and does an elbow drop from the second rope....and gets DQed.....this not extreme thing is really starting to piss me off.....why even call it ECW? A DQ in ECW?!?!
• Sabu "loses" but Credible looks much worse for the wear.....at least it was a cool spot....

Balls Mahoney Promo (?)

• Apparently this is the week they are trying to get some other guys some TV time as Balls Mahoney explains that while his name is funny (um, maybe in 5th grade....) he enjoys it....and he's "Balls to the Wall" Ugh....I'm sure he'll be MUCH more then a jobber.....

Ric Flair Old Man Ranting to Camera

• Flair starts the promo by saying..."For those who don't know me I'm Ric Flair" Are you serious? Who watches wrestling and doesn't know Ric Flair....
• Ric then rolls on his normal old man rant where he apparently can do nothing but yell and challenges Foley to a match anytime any place....I'm guessing the time will be August 20 and the place will be at SummerSlam in Boston....just a shot....
• He then decides to give the Big Show a blow job and talks about how great he is....okay then...
• The big finish comes with Flair saying he's going to "Eat Show Alive" which is Flair code for "Punch Show in the Genitals"

AD's

• Saturday Night's Main Event - Full card promo
• TAG
• Verizon Wireless
• Burger King
• Girls Gone Wild
• Lectric Shave
• Garlique (Again....not really hitting the target demo....do young men really use garlique? The dude in the commercial looks pretty young....if I was 80 that is...)

Another New Dude Theater

• The camera tilts up from someone's feet showing orange paints, a very feminine looking shirt and then up to the person's head where you can see a HUGE spiked mohawk...the person then turns and looks at cam and has various black "Goth Punk" make up on....and just when I thought it couldn't be any weirder the on-screen graphic tells me that this is SHANNON MOORE? What the fuck happened to him? Apparently being involved with Mattitude turned him crazy....

Extreme Rules Match
ECW World Championship
Ric Flair vs. The Big Show (c)

• Flair comes out first (as a challenger should) but apparently he's a girl and asks the ref to hold the ropes open for him to get into the ring.....that's what guy wrestler’s do for valets Ric....you're better then this....
• As Flair takes off his robe I get my first look at his knee pads which are always on his shins....cracks me up....I like to compare it to the way old guys hike their pants up...no one really understands why...
• This is Ric's first ECW match and it's for the ECW World Title....apparently he still has some of that old Flair booking stroke....
• Show seems to be taking it easy on Flair in the beginning, but then again the man is 800 so he could break at any time....and as Flair lays on the floor (otherwise known as his normal position) we go to....

AD's

• Saturday Night's Main Event - HOGAN WILL BE THERE!!! WATCH AS RANDY ORTON MAKES A HORRIBLE PASS AT BROOKE AND THEN SHITS IN HER GYM BAG AS HULK GIVES THE "ANGRY HULK" LOOK INTO THE CAMERA!! GREAT STUFF!
• Miami Vice (on the fence....but I'll probably see it)
• Geico
• NetFlix
• Lectric Shave
• Fucking weird cartoon jackass for Cartoon Network

Flair vs. Show....the saga continues.....

• We're back and Show press slams Flair....and I'm surprised he's still alive....dude's brittle man...
• And just like that Flair takes a headbutt and is busted open.....SHOCKING!
• Show is beating the hell out of Flair but makes the mistake of picking him off the mat onto his knees....I'm guessing you know what's next....Flair with the punch to the groin....TWICE....Tazz and styles say that since this is an Extreme Rules Match it's all legal....um....excuse me if I'm wrong but I've never seen Flair get DQ'ed for this in the current WWE...even with the ref watching...so is it really that "Extreme"
• Anyway...Flair is having a jolly time hurting Show's genitals that he decides to kick them on two separate occasions....Show is earning that paycheck this week....
• Flair then grabs a barb wire bat from the garbage can of extreme goodies and goes to work on Show....Wait....Flair is using a barb wire bat? Is this the bizarro world?
• Flair is now getting an "ECW" chant as he holds up the barb wire bat....and just like that the Four Horseman are riding across the sky...and I'm not talking about Arn Anderson and Mongo McMichael either....
• Flair is beating the hell out of Show with various weapons...please don't tell me they're putting the title on him....With Cena running around being Superman on RAW I don't think I could take this too...
• Ric kicks things up a notch and throws thumb tacks all over the ring....What the hell am I watching? This is RIC FLAIR right?
• Show takes three chair shots and then falls back first into the tacks....apparently this doesn't make him too happy as he goes NUTS as he gets up chokes slams Flair, and then picks up him and hits the Cobra Clutch Drop to Knee thing, only this time he holds it and chokes Flair out....and your winner and STILL ECW World Champion....The Big Show....
• Show then decides to rag doll Flair FACE FIRST into the tacks....Show is now my favorite wrestler...
• Show leaves the ring triumphant with his belt as they show Flair getting up and having tacks in his chest and on his knee....if he just wore those knee pads on his knees and not on his shins those tacks could have been avoided. There's a lesson to be learned here kids!
• Flair is a bloody mess and is helped to the back and with that we get the copyright and another episode of ECW is in the books

That actually was a pretty good show from top to bottom and any show where Ric Flair gets his ass beat is a good show in my book. I'm very happy to only see ONE (real...Candace doesn't count) RAW crossover this week as it allowed some other ECW storylines and characters to come out of the woodwork...hopefully they can build on this....

Well that's that for this ECW Recap....Should have a BRAND NEW segment up this week and maybe if you're lucky Dave or I will recap SNME this weekend....no promises though....

Until next week.....