Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Raw: Now McMahon Free!

Okay, I don't know how many people actually read this, but I'm just going to say it. If you haven't seen Clerks II yet, what are you waiting for? Great great flick. Smiths best since Dogma to say the least. But enough of that, we're (does anyone read this blog?) here to cover Raw.


Raw Recap for 7/24/06 Edition
  • We are live in Cleveland, OH. How the fuck does Cleveland get Raw while Detroit gets stuck with SmackDown! ? Fuck Ohio, and fuck SD! too.

Plan B theater.

  • "Are you ready?" Here comes one half of DX as Shawn Micheals comes down to tell us that sometimes life imitates art. Remember a few weeks back when DX played a little prank on Vince, telling him that Stephanie was in labor? You see, this afternoon Stephanie McMahon REALLY went into labor, and she's due any minute now. So Vince and Shane flew back to Stamford, CT to be with her. Maybe Brad can give us an on-site report, he lives near there.
  • But he needn't bother... Shawn tells us Trips is in the hospital too. Word 'round the campfire is that Trips might know who the baby daddy is. Wink wink, nudge nudge. In any event, Shawn thinks that the inmates just might be running the asylum tonight.
  • Coach (new music and all) shows up to tell us that HE will be in charge. If, by in charge, you mean taking orders from Vince on a cell phone. See he's the only one with Mr. McMahon on speed-dial. Shawn grabs the cell phone to chit chat with Vince a bit. Vince doesn't take to well to this as Shawn hands the phone back to Coach.
  • Coach gets screamed down by Vince. Why is Coach holding the mic up while he talks? I understand why Shawn did, for the benefit of the audience. The better joke would have been having Shawn hold the mic up to get all of Coach's kiss-ass back-peddling. But I digress.
  • Coach seems none too thrilled about Vinces orders as he hangs up. Vince has put Shawn in a match tonight. Shawn thinks it's another go-around with the whole Spirit Squad. Au contraire (sp?) sayeth Coach. Tonight it will be Coach vs. Shawn. Shawn merely laughs hysterically at this (in that overly fake DX way thats caught on lately). "Break it down!" And Coach bails with a worried look on his face as Shawn continues to laugh.

SNME recap - RKO on the Hulkster.

Ads.

World Tag Team Championship

The Higlanders vs. The Spirit Squad.

  • I guess Kenny and Mikey get the honors tonight, but the whole Squad is out for "moral support". Mikey and Robbie start us off as Mikey gets trapped in Scottish turf. He gets smacked around a bit. JR notes that the Highlanders offense is "somewhat like the Bushwhackers". Yeah, Jim, just a little.
  • Kenny gets in and the Squad takes control through some nefarious means. Soon enough Rory gets a hot tag and the Scots clean house. They go looking for the Scot-drop on Mikey, but one of the other guys distracts the ref and the rest of the squad breaks that up.
  • Kenny sneaks up and hits a Test Drive/Roll of the Dice, which I guess is his personal finisher now. I guess we see who will be sticking around when the Squad breaks up. Anyway thats enough for three, after about five minutes. The Scots don't seem too thrilled, I smell a SummerSlam rematch.

Live (sort of) from WWE headquarters.

  • Mick is back to rip on Flair some more. He wonders what has happened to Ric Flair? Flair used be sharp and the man in the ring. If you say so Mick. Now Flair is reduced to cliches and calling Foley "fatboy", which his brother used to call him in the 4th grade. Grow up Ric. What part of "no rematch" don't you understand? I wonder when Foleys resolve will break down... August 20 maybe?
  • Mick makes mention of his close personal friend Melina... twice. I've read a few of Foleys blogs, and I know they're really friends back stage too. You know when you hear about how a married celebrity becomes good friends with an attractive woman in her 20's when they work together on a movie or something, it usually ends with said celeb leaving his wife for her. I really hope Mick is above such things. He says he'll be there live next week to tell Ric what a jerk he is to his face.

This week in wrestling history.

  • GAB '89: ah for the days when the Bash didn't suck. They show the Flair/Funk match that brought the house down. Ah for the days when Flair was a decent wrestler. Or so I'm told, frankly I've never liked him.

Ric still doesn't get it theatre.

  • Ric is back out to once again challenge Foley. You know it would be funny if Foley got his way and this match never did happen. Well it would make me chuckle.
  • Edge interrupts (thankfully) to redeliver Foley's "no" to Flair. Lita looks less skanked up tonight, with just a tight tank top. Boring. Anyway Edge tells us that Flair isn't 'the man' anymore. Edge is the man now.
  • Before Edge can really get going Johnny Nitro attacks Flair from behind. Wow, I never realized how much Nitro looks like Edge's gay cousin.
  • I'm expecting the save to come from Carlito, what with him being #1 contender for Johnny boys IC strap. But no, it's John Cena who comes out to clear house.
  • Milena comes down to console her man as the heels back up the ramp while the faces stand tall in the ring. Wow Edge and Johnny even have the same taste in women (read: red-heads who dress like sluts).

Backstage.

  • Carlito runs into Trish backstage. More akward sexual tension as they compliment each other on last weeks matches. Carlito says Trish looked better in her win, smoothe.
  • Carlito asks if she wants to hang out tonight after his match. She says sure.
  • Carlito decides to go into full on Rico Suave mode and whisper some sweet nothings in her ear. Sadly he does so in Spanish... and Trish doesn't speak Spanish. D'oh. Carlito shakes it off, he'll tell her later. Right now he's got a match.

Ads.

  • Tomorrow on ECW: Big Show (c) vs. Kane for the ECW Championship. Um, what? When did Kane go extreme. Did I miss a meeting?

Backstage.

  • Coach is on the phone with Vinnie. Edge and Lita bust in. Lita wants to know what he's going to do about the little dust up in the ring earlier. Kind of a funny little back and forth while Edge carries on a conversation while Coach has a completely different one on the phone with Vince.
  • But Coach ends the silliness and says that tonight it will be Edge and Johnny vs. Cena and Flair.

Awwww... theatre.

  • "Tough Questions" Todd Grisham is out to let us know that Stephanie has given birth to a baby girl. One Aurora Rose. So is that Aurora Rose McMahon? Aurora Rose Helmsley? Aurora Rose McMahon-Helmsley? Aurora Rose Levesque? Aurora Rose McMahon-Levesque? God damn thats a lot 0f names. Anyway congrats to the happy couple.

Intercontinental Championship #1 Contenders Match

Shelton Benjamin vs. Carlito

  • Didn't they do that last week? Or was that really for the Cruiserweight contendership? Oh well I can always watch a match between these two.
  • Carlito goes for a quick roll up right away. Heh. I guess he remembers winning with one last week. Or maybe he just wants to end things quickly to get him some Stratus luvin'.
  • Shelton posts him, then starts to work the arm. Classic heel stuff. Carlito rebounds with a quick rana and a dropkick. Follows up with a Downward Spiral.
  • Carlito goes up top, still selling the arm. Neat little reversal sequence up top ends with a sweet arm breaker to the mat.
  • Crowd is super into this match. You listening Vince? These two get response from the crowds in ways that Orton and Cena never will.
  • Then we enter endgame. Bear in mind all this happens in about 15 seconds. Shelton started to undo the turnbuckle pad earlier, Carlito sees this and decides to finish. The ref busts him and starts to put it back on. Shelton goes for a slingshot into the corner, Carlito stops just short of nailing the ref, then runs up and back flips over Sheltons head when Benjamin runs in. Carlito lands on his feet behind Benjamin who narrowly avoids squishing the ref himself, but Benkamin mule kicks Carlito in the sack while using his body to block the refs view. Shelton hooks the inside of Carlitos leg and falls backwards, rolling up into a pin. And Shelton gets the deuce in about 9-10 minutes.
  • Awesome awesome match. I'm guessing we get the tie breaker next week, unless they want to go with another triple threat at SummerSlam. Which would scratch me right where I itch, Nitro vs. Benjamin vs. Carlito kicked all kinds of ass at Vengence.

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At least this started off interesting...

  • The Immortal One is here. Hogan comes out right around the 10:00 spot. I guess we have our mid-show angle. Hulkster takes his sweet fucking time getting to the point. I'm guessing we get about 10 minutes of Hogan just standing there soaking up cheers. I can only guess since I have the magic of my DVR.
  • FINALLY he starts to rant and rave about Randy Ortons lack of respect. He remembers back in the day when he used to duke it out with Randys dad. You know Hogan, thats kind of sad. At least Cowboy Bob knew when to call it a career.
  • Orton interrupts in pretty short order. He hopes Brooke won't be angry with him for what he'll do to her dad at SS. Hogan wants to go right now. I forgot to mention he's in ring gear. Randy teases getting in the ring, but keeps pussing out when Hogan tries to pounce. On one such recoil he falls backward into the announce table, necessitating King to put up a bracing hand, lest Orton falls in his lap. Orton takes umbridge at this. Sure, take all the umbridge, don't leave any for us. (sorry I just bought Animaniacs vol. 1)
  • Orton is still pussing it up until Jerry grabs him by the scruff of the neck and tosses him in the ring. Hogan starts to Hulk up immediately. Orton, who apparently has never seen a Hulk Hogan match, decides to take a shot. Hogan blocks and gets a few licks in. He goes for the Big Boot, but Orton bails. Play Hogans music. This isn't over. Sadly, thats probably true.

Ads.

Candace Michelle vs. Mickie James (c)

Very Special "This Better Not Be For the Fucking Title" Match.

  • How does Candace get this feud? I'll admit the Womens division is pretty well fucked these days. Thank you very much Johnny Ace. But you still have a handful of ring ready women. Trish, Lita, Melina, Victoria. But Candace? She's the female version of Chris Masters. All looks (though frankly she doesn't "do it" for me) and no substance. You know if they were smart they'd still have Christy (who was improving) Molly Holly, Gail Kim, Nidia (also was improving), and Ivory. All of whom Candace isn't fit to carry their bras. Excuse the mini rant but the match sucks.
  • Mickie wins on a roll up and a handful of ass and tights. So the Women's champ has to cheat to beat... Candace. I hate the womens division.

Ads.

Shawn Micheals vs. Jonathan "the Coach" Coachman.

  • Speaking of shitty matches. Not much here to start. HBK smacks Coach around, pants's him.
  • The Spirit Squad runs in but Shawn takes them all out single-handedly. That team is so done after SummerSlam.
  • Shawn starts his version of the Five Moves of Doom (flying fore-arm, inverted atomic drop, body slam, flying elbow drop, Sweet Chin Music). Before he can hit the superkick, OOOOOOOmaga is in.
  • The Squad wants to help Umaga take out HBK but he chases them off. Then, with Estradas cigar breaking blessing, he nails the Taped up Thumb of Doom (tm). Shawn sells it like Ricky Steamboat when Savage crushed his Larynx before WrestleMania III.

Diva Search nonsense.

  • They eliminate another blonde. At least she doesn't have a quasi-breakdown like the girl did last week. I'm still holding out hope for the girl from Michigan. But it will probably be the girl with the straight black hair or the sandy brunette with the HUGE rack. If you know their names... well thats just sad.

Ads.

John Cena and Ric Flair vs. WWE Champion Edge w/Lita and Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro w/Melina.

  • The faces establish dominance early on before.

Ads.

  • Back in and Cena is playing Ricky Morton. Hot tag to Ric who tees off some chops on the blondes. Figure Four on Nitro, but Edge breaks it up.
  • Cena back in, the ref is distracted by Lita and Melina, hey who can blame him? Cena hits the ropes right as Edge smacks him across the back with a chair. Johnny covers for two. Two? That so should have been the finish.
  • Cena hooks up the STFU. Nitro taps. Dumb.
  • Play Cenas music. The faces stand tall. The heels are pissed. And we're out.

Damn, that was a helluva show. Is there anyway for Stephanie to have a baby every week? Getting Vince, Shane and Trips off the show made it a LOT better. Look I like Trips, but I think it might be time for him to scale back his on screen role. And Vince works better in small doeses. Shane: ditto. Anyway SummerSlam still has 3 weeks away and the card is already pretty full.

I'm only guessing at some of these, but here's how it looks to me.

  • WWE Championship -Edge (c) w/Lita vs. John Cena. Porbably with some gimmick involved. I doubt the full monty of a Hell in the Cell, but maybe a cage or something to neutralize the Lita factor.
  • World Heavyweight Championship - Booker T (c) w/Sharmell vs. Batista. This will build on their supposed "real life" tensions from a few months back.
  • Legend vs. Legend Killer - Hulk Hogan vs. Randy Orton. Started off promising (shockingly enough). Now? The Less said the better.
  • Hardcore Match - Mick Foley vs. Ric Flair. Maybe Mick will be forced to defend his Hardcore Championship.
  • World Tag Team Championship - The Highlanders vs. The Spirit Squad (c). Probably the end of the Spirit Squad in their current form.
  • Intercontinental Championship - Johnny Nitro (c) w/Melina vs. Carlito/Shelton Benjamin. I'm hoping for another triple threat. Maybe even a triple threat Ladder match. But thats just me.
  • Grudge Match - Rey Mysterio vs. Chavo Guererro Jr. I don't watch SmackDown! but I'm pretty aware of whats going on. Street Fight or Last Man Standing might work here.
  • Probably some sort of Womens Title match, maybe Lashley will be healthy enough to contest the US Title. Maybe Helms will FINALLY defend his CW Title.

Anyway, the card is over half full, impressive for a company that seemingly booked this years WrestleMania on cocktail napkins in a bar a few days before the show. Oh well, such is life.

As for me... guess what folks? Thats the news and I am outta here. See ya in the funny pages.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

ECW Recap: Death Stalks You... Extremely!

Can I get a hardy "eh" for this past weekends SNME? There were certainly some parts I liked (including a very interesting opening with Randy Orton and the Hogans... thats right I said Randy Orton is interesting!). But most of all I just found it very boring. I mean I'm glad Cena didn't pick up the title, but what a lame finish. At least the bull riding nonsense was kept short with just a quick highlight reel. The mixed tag match was way too short. If there's a silver lining it's that the 400 pounds of crap called Mark Henry blew out his knee and is on the shelf for 8 months. I might add that his poorly though out 10 year contract expires during this time, here's hoping they don't renew. But like I said I was a fan of Randy's faux reverence for Hogan and the RKO on the trunk was a good capper.

Anyway, we aren't here to talk WWE, we're here to talk WWE-lite. Er, I mean ECW.

ECW recap for 7-18-06 edition
Kelly is a cocktease.
  • We start off with the ECW bimbo dancing again. I'm glad Kelly likes to do the same thing every week, but this is pretty tiresome. Big ups on them combining the 2 running jokes last week with Sandman and Mike Knox.
  • After a few minutes Knox is out ot blame Kelly for getting caned last week. But Sandman wants and encore performance... which gives us

Mike Knox w/Kelly vs. Sandman w/beer

Extreme Rules Match

  • I really shouldn't have to note that the match is Extreme Rules. In any event the match spills outside quickly. Knox whips Sandman into the barrier, upside down. Sandman has a pretty funny clueless look on his face for that one. Sandman grabs his cane but Knox uses Kelly to block, and she gets about a half speed shot to the head. Still, it looks pretty harsh. Knox gets Sandman inside and gives a couple kicks to the pills and pins him. What happened to Hard Knox?

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Truth in Advertising.

  • Shannon Moore is now "the Reject" Shannon Moore. Couldn't have said it better myself.

The Cult of Extreme.

  • Heyman is back out in another attempt to get everyone to drink his Kool-Aid. Tommy Dreamer takes this chance to push the issue of Pauls betrayal on him and the ECW locker room. Unfortunately, here comes Test with a beat down. Big Boot. Testicular Drop. As always, nobody gets their ass kicked like Tommy Dreamer.

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Nutsacks are in.

  • Balls Mahoney gets another promo to tell us how hardcore he is. Too many guys with names that vaguely reference the male genitals.

Sabu vs. Stevie Richards.

  • This, of course, is the rematch from SNME. But this time no Extreme Rules. Of course this fails too as Sabu can actually wrestle. A roll up turns into a leglock. Richards gets desperate and sends Sabu into the ring post. But Sabu is back on top quickly with a springboard DDT and the Camel Clutch. Stevie taps.

Ads

Violence against women is OK.

  • The vampire has bitten the fortune teller. ECW girls are called vixens right? Now we have a Voodoo Vampiric Vixen. Alliteration is fun.

ECW Championship

The Big Show (c) vs. The Undertaker.

  • This is a match I always dread seeing. Show can get the job done when he's in there with a guy who can wrestle... Taker isn't that guy. I won't bore you with the 15 minutes of crap I had to watch. Suffice it to say Khali came out and both giants destroyed Taker, and choke slammed him through the announce table. Khali is so going down on Sunday. Show ends with Khali standing tall over Taker once more, and we're out.

Man, that was a total WWE ending. Is it a DQ? I though all ECW title matches had to be Extreme. Theoretically the match is still going on then right? Oh well. I have to admit I'm getting bored quickly with ECW becuase of how much it's like WWE. Part of the reason I watch TNA (all be it with a lead finger on the the FF button) is because it is distinctly different. Not always for the better, in fact rarely for the better, but at least it's something new. Pro Wrestling still entertains me but it's become a tad on the stagnant side in the past few years. Well next week I get Raw again which I can at least count on for Carlito, DX and Edge goodness.

Til then, guess what folks? Thats the news and I am outta here. See ya in the funny pages.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

ECW Recap: Where's the WWE?


Well another week, another ECW in the books but something was a tad different tonight. Where was the WWE? Only one actual "WWE SuperStar" was on this show this week as apparently ECW was left to actually be, you know, its own brand for a week. Maybe this is a sign of things to come? All I know is I'm happy I didn't have to see any live Cena tonight....especially after last night's BS. What am I waiting for though there's a TITLE MATCH TONIGHT! On with the show....

ECW Recap 7/11/06


What Happened Last Week Theater

  • Let me explain this the easy way. RVD got busted for pot so they took the title off of his dumb ass and put it on the Big Show. There's a storyline to go along with this apparently but that's the gist....lots of video of sad RVD....he really needs to find something that can help him relax

Paul Heyman is Vince McMahon

  • Heyman comes out without his hat and in a suit which means he's now EVIL to the ECW Hardcore fans who apparently can't worship a man who looks successful. Wait, you make money now?!?! YOU'RE A SELLOUT! Oh he also comes with two riot cops....who have full shields to apparently stop the cups from the crowd....um this is a SmackDown crowd, they won't throw anything.....hell they came here to actually WATCH SmackDown...nothing can make them mad....
  • Heyman busts out a variation on McMahon saying that he didn't screw RVD....the fans did....doesn't have the same ring as "Bret screwed Bret" but it works I guess
  • Apparently the fans have such an influence over RVD that they pushed him so hard that he was going to burn himself out with all the title defenses so Heyman screwed him and suspended him for his own good. Wrestler's listen to the crowd that much? Can we somehow use this to get rid of Randy Orton? Please?
  • Something that's always bothered me with Heyman....why does he wear that credential? Having worked in the media I can tell you that only pretentious douchebags wear their credentials when they aren't needed, and I don't think Paul needs to wear his around to get places.....just an observation
  • Heyman then really starts to channel Vince as he starts calling himself a martyr and uses the word "crucify" to describe what he did to his relationship with RVD....um....this promo is starting to go downhill fast....
  • Paul then calls himself a "messiah" and I've now stopped paying attention. Why can't we go one or two weeks without the ridiculous religious blasphemy? AND I'M NOT EVEN THAT RELIGIOUS! It's just not really effective.....
  • They cut to a shot of a little girl in the crowd....I'm sure she came to see Sandman drink some beer and cane a freak....all in due time I'm sure sweetie.....
  • Heyman then leaves the ring with cops in tow and walks down hallway...camera of course is following him as he walks by a few ECW jobbers and runs into Tommy Dreamer. Apparently (because there's not a mic on him for the first few seconds so I'm assuming) Tommy wants a real explanation from Paul about what's going on. Heyman does some heel "don't have time" bullshit and says Dreamer has a match and it's right now....Dreamer doesn't seem too happy

Coming up....

  • Sabu is in action....and they don't say an opponent so I'm wondering what the outcome will be....HMMMM
  • Candice and Kelly will do some PG-14 dancing and then Mike Knox will break it up....just a shot in the dark

ADS

  • Geico
  • NetFlix
  • Verizon Wireless
  • Empire Carpet
  • GMC
  • The Scooter Store (What the hell? Um, is this really the target audience? Old people?)

Tommy Dreamer (in STREET CLOTHES~!) vs. Test

  • Tazz (r) and Styles make a big deal of the fact that Dreamer isn't ready to wrestle and is in street clothes. Um this guy normally wrestles in a T-shirt and track pants....WHAT DOES IT REALLY FREAKING MATTER?!?!?
  • We get a replay of what seemed like the entire Test vs. Al Snow squash from last week....Test hits the TKO and somewhere Marc Mero is at home yelling across the house for Sable to put some damn clothes on before realizing that Sable left him six years ago and he's actually in the bathroom at the Waffle House....
  • Let's see...Test = Big Push while Dreamer = Hasn't won a match in what seems like forever....I think Dreamer may job in this one....going out on a limb....
  • Test starts the match by slapping Dreamer like he's Stacy....which pisses Dreamer off....doesn't he know that Test only does this because he loves him so much?!
  • Tazz (r) makes a point to say this isn't an "Extreme Rules Match"....hmmm....what the hell am I watching then? Heat?
  • Match is going rather slow until what sounds like about 10 dateless wonders start a Tommy Dreamer chant....to steal a phrase from my good friend Captain Insano....I guarantee those guys are still virgins....
  • Usual big man offense from Test.....punch, punch, kick, kick and powerful looking slams....but no chinlocks so he's already better then Orton!
  • Dreamer makes his big comeback but does anyone really think he's winning except for those 10 idiots?
  • Off on a tangent here but does anyone remember that Test originally debuted with the gimmick that he was a former Motley Crue Roadie? I kind of seem him like Dell from Wayne's World 2....with steroids....
  • Dreamer is owning this match, but Test gets the rollup and uses the Heel Rope Leverage of Extreme Cheating to get the win....so you have to cheat to beat Tommy Dreamer? Come on! This guy has jobbed to EVERYONE lately except for the Zombie....for shame Test....
  • Dreamer is in the ring following the loss and gives his "Angry Face" Good stuff Tommy...see you next loss!

Backstage With Vapid Idiots

  • We head backstage where Candace is getting dressed while very shitty music is playing...I understand this segment but do you really need the horrible music? My eardrums are bleeding....
  • Now dressed (she put on her boa while we were watching....SCANDAL!) Candace walks out and tells Kelly that when they dance tonight it's going to be EXTREME! Wait...is Candace going to hit Kelly with a chair or something?

AD's

  • Saturday Night's Main Event - They call Cena the "Most Dominating Force in Sports Entertainment" and I throw up in my mouth. I swear to god PLEASE STOP THIS!!! Don't book him like he's Superman or Stone Cold.....and please ditch the stupid fucking salute. It makes me want to climb a clocktower.....
  • You, Me and Dupree
  • Burger King Midgets (apparently they raised Knick Knack from "The Man with the Golden Gun" for this ad....Burger King has that much money)
  • Girls Gone Wild (now you're hitting your demo)
  • Bell South

Non-Sequitor Theater

  • The tarot card reader is back and says "What does the future hold".....TWICE....is she teasing me with the Macho Libre stuff or what?
  • She finally lets us in on what the future holds (the suspense was killing me) and apparently it's ....BLOOD! And with that Mordecai er...the Vampire comes into screen and spits blood at the camera.....So he's stealing Gangrel's AND Tajiri's gimmicks?

The ECW Mike Knox Weekly Cock Block (tm)

  • Candace and Kelly start to dance to some Euro trash techno that makes my ears hurt more then the first song. I may be a quarter German but I don't like their shitty techno BS....MAKE IT STOP!
  • Candace is obviously the man in this relationship as she feels Kelly up constantly and even grinds a big as Kelly bends over....can't say this isn't a good visual....
  • Then like clockwork here comes Mike Knox to ruin the fun....YAY! Kelly actually shows some personality as she tries to break away from Knox, but before she gets her comeuppance Sandman comes out and does what he does....and by that I mean cut a coherent promo on the trade deficit between the US and China....or he canes the shit out of Mike Knox....believe what you want...

Ric Flair vs. Big Show Tale of the Tape

  • So they are ripping ideas off from SmackDown?!?! Why would you do this? Also where are Tazz's Keys to Victory? I always loved them......My favorite was from the Taker vs. Vince Buried Alive Match where Tazz's Key to Victory for Vince was "Avoid the Hole" Really? Is that what you need to do? That advice also goes for prison by the way....
  • Oh, and in case you were wondering I'm sure Tazz's Key to Victory tonight would be something along the lines of... "Don't get pinned or submit"

AD's

  • Saturday Night's Main Event - DX version
  • Two Sci Fi Shows I could give two shits about
  • Doritos
  • Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby (go see that and Snakes on a Plane this August!)
  • Bell South
  • TAG
  • GameFly

Diva Search Bullshit

  • We get a nice recap and plug for the Diva Search and I'm reminded of last night when I got my first taste of the asshole that is...the Miz. If there was ever a bigger waste of genetic material then Randy Orton it has to be the Miz. That man should be immediately sterilized so that he can't curse us with his seed being passed on. If you looked up the word "Douchebag" in the dictionary it would have a picture of his dumbass smiling face. I mean he's got it ALL. Stupid spiked up haircut with multi-color highlights (looks like one of those "to the Xtreme surfer assholes), pretentious shirt that's supposed to be ironically cool but makes you look like a jackass (this week it said, "WHITE BOY"...OH SO CLEVER!), and he has about as much intelligence as the Diva search contestants. Check that, he probably has LESS then they do since they could at least get THROUGH their promo's while he couldn't read a damn NUMBER OFF HIS ARM! Please for the sake of all that is good in this world DON'T PUT THAT ASSHOLE BACK IN FRONT OF MY TV SCREEN!!! Please.....Now back to the show....

CM Punk Promo

  • This week Punk takes us on a tour of his various tats....my fave is the "Drug Free" written across his fingers....RVD are you taking any notes?

Sabu (with or without "unidentified" pills) vs. Justin Credible

  • Speaking of drug violations...here is Sabu for his weekly ECW win....apparently he didn't get the memo that this isn't an "Extreme Rules" match as he brought a chair with him to the ring, but the ref takes it away......What the hell is going on? Isn't this supposed to be EXTREME Championship Wrestling?
  • We get things started and after a little Sabu offense Credible is outside the ring and looking to grab a table...did he not get the "Not Extreme" memo either?
  • Sabu then starts with the usual high flying moves that have made him the most over "ECW Guy" there is right now....I'm sure his match at SNME will be great....
  • Sabu then puts Credible on the table outside the ring and does an elbow drop from the second rope....and gets DQed.....this not extreme thing is really starting to piss me off.....why even call it ECW? A DQ in ECW?!?!
  • Sabu "loses" but Credible looks much worse for the wear.....at least it was a cool spot....

Balls Mahoney Promo (?)

  • Apparently this is the week they are trying to get some other guys some TV time as Balls Mahoney explains that while his name is funny (um, maybe in 5th grade....) he enjoys it....and he's "Balls to the Wall" Ugh....I'm sure he'll be MUCH more then a jobber.....

Ric Flair Old Man Ranting to Camera

  • Flair starts the promo by saying..."For those who don't know me I'm Ric Flair" Are you serious? Who watches wrestling and doesn't know Ric Flair....
  • Ric then rolls on his normal old man rant where he apparently can do nothing but yell and challenges Foley to a match anytime any place....I'm guessing the time will be August 20 and the place will be at SummerSlam in Boston....just a shot....
  • He then decides to give the Big Show a blow job and talks about how great he is....okay then...
  • The big finish comes with Flair saying he's going to "Eat Show Alive" which is Flair code for "Punch Show in the Genitals"

AD's

  • Saturday Night's Main Event - Full card promo
  • TAG
  • Verizon Wireless
  • Burger King
  • Girls Gone Wild
  • Lectric Shave
  • Garlique (Again....not really hitting the target demo....do young men really use garlique? The dude in the commercial looks pretty young....if I was 80 that is...)

Another New Dude Theater

  • The camera tilts up from someone's feet showing orange paints, a very feminine looking shirt and then up to the person's head where you can see a HUGE spiked mohawk...the person then turns and looks at cam and has various black "Goth Punk" make up on....and just when I thought it couldn't be any weirder the on-screen graphic tells me that this is SHANNON MOORE? What the fuck happened to him? Apparently being involved with Mattitude turned him crazy....

Extreme Rules Match
ECW World Championship
Ric Flair vs. The Big Show (c)

  • Flair comes out first (as a challenger should) but apparently he's a girl and asks the ref to hold the ropes open for him to get into the ring.....that's what guy wrestler’s do for valets Ric....you're better then this....
  • As Flair takes off his robe I get my first look at his knee pads which are always on his shins....cracks me up....I like to compare it to the way old guys hike their pants up...no one really understands why...
  • This is Ric's first ECW match and it's for the ECW World Title....apparently he still has some of that old Flair booking stroke....
  • Show seems to be taking it easy on Flair in the beginning, but then again the man is 800 so he could break at any time....and as Flair lays on the floor (otherwise known as his normal position) we go to....

AD's

  • Saturday Night's Main Event - HOGAN WILL BE THERE!!! WATCH AS RANDY ORTON MAKES A HORRIBLE PASS AT BROOKE AND THEN SHITS IN HER GYM BAG AS HULK GIVES THE "ANGRY HULK" LOOK INTO THE CAMERA!! GREAT STUFF!
  • Miami Vice (on the fence....but I'll probably see it)
  • Geico
  • NetFlix
  • Lectric Shave
  • Fucking weird cartoon jackass for Cartoon Network

Flair vs. Show....the saga continues.....

  • We're back and Show press slams Flair....and I'm surprised he's still alive....dude's brittle man...
  • And just like that Flair takes a headbutt and is busted open.....SHOCKING!
  • Show is beating the hell out of Flair but makes the mistake of picking him off the mat onto his knees....I'm guessing you know what's next....Flair with the punch to the groin....TWICE....Tazz and styles say that since this is an Extreme Rules Match it's all legal....um....excuse me if I'm wrong but I've never seen Flair get DQ'ed for this in the current WWE...even with the ref watching...so is it really that "Extreme"
  • Anyway...Flair is having a jolly time hurting Show's genitals that he decides to kick them on two separate occasions....Show is earning that paycheck this week....
  • Flair then grabs a barb wire bat from the garbage can of extreme goodies and goes to work on Show....Wait....Flair is using a barb wire bat? Is this the bizarro world?
  • Flair is now getting an "ECW" chant as he holds up the barb wire bat....and just like that the Four Horseman are riding across the sky...and I'm not talking about Arn Anderson and Mongo McMichael either....
  • Flair is beating the hell out of Show with various weapons...please don't tell me they're putting the title on him....With Cena running around being Superman on RAW I don't think I could take this too...
  • Ric kicks things up a notch and throws thumb tacks all over the ring....What the hell am I watching? This is RIC FLAIR right?
  • Show takes three chair shots and then falls back first into the tacks....apparently this doesn't make him too happy as he goes NUTS as he gets up chokes slams Flair, and then picks up him and hits the Cobra Clutch Drop to Knee thing, only this time he holds it and chokes Flair out....and your winner and STILL ECW World Champion....The Big Show....
  • Show then decides to rag doll Flair FACE FIRST into the tacks....Show is now my favorite wrestler...
  • Show leaves the ring triumphant with his belt as they show Flair getting up and having tacks in his chest and on his knee....if he just wore those knee pads on his knees and not on his shins those tacks could have been avoided. There's a lesson to be learned here kids!
  • Flair is a bloody mess and is helped to the back and with that we get the copyright and another episode of ECW is in the books

That actually was a pretty good show from top to bottom and any show where Ric Flair gets his ass beat is a good show in my book. I'm very happy to only see ONE (real...Candace doesn't count) RAW crossover this week as it allowed some other ECW storylines and characters to come out of the woodwork...hopefully they can build on this....

Well that's that for this ECW Recap....Should have a BRAND NEW segment up this week and maybe if you're lucky Dave or I will recap SNME this weekend....no promises though....

Until next week.....

Monday, July 10, 2006

WWE RAW Recap: Oh Those Wascally DX Wabbits



Alright, I'm going to try this posting thing again. Hopefully the blogger won't eat my recap this week. Sadly my DVR is on the fritz, and it only took an hour on the phone of repeatedly telling the woman that I was certain it was a hardware problem and not a stoftware problem that was causing it. But no... I had to do all these dumbass software reboots before she finally aquiessed and agreed to send me a new one. But now I have to wait until it comes in the mail and apparently hook it up myself and unhook the old one. What exactly am I paying for?
In any case Raw was watched live tonight instead of on delay so I had to sit thorugh every boring segment, and every irratating commercial, which I haven't done in close to two years. So forgive me if I'm a little on the annoyed side.
Raw Recap for 7-10-06 Edition
  • Last week: Edge won his second WWE Title. Here's hoping his reign is longer than three weeks.
  • Cold Open: We are live in Jerkass, IA. Or whatever town is in Iowa, like anyone gives a shit about Iowa. No credits this week just straight to the ring where Lilian announces the new WWE Champion Edge. Lita is back to one of her boobalicious shirts this week. I'd just like to say huzzah to the man who invented double sided tape, giving sluts the excuse they were looking for to wear tops like that. Lita also ditched the bangs which I also found very unappealing (you're not alone Brad). Edge pats himself on the back for being smarter than RVD and Cena. Right, smarter than a white rapper and a guy who gets busted with pot... thats like being valedictorian of summerschool. Then he proceeds to uncover his own personal announce table, where he and Lita sit down for.
John Cena vs. Shelton Benjamin
  • You know it's sad that Edge is a better announce than either JR or the King. Calling action in the ring while those twits praddle on about Edge and Lita bogarting some headsets. This seemingly lights a fire under JR's ass as he kicks into high gear calling out move names and everything. Impressive. Cena reverses a rear naked choke into a pretty slick looking Electric Chair. Cena goes up top like a tool, then decides to jaw with Edge a little. Benjamin hits a sweet jumping springboard enzeguri taking Cena to the floor. Damn that was awesome. Cena manages to regain control. He hits that spin-out powerbomb thing that used to be his finisher. Then the dumbass Five Knuckle Shuffle, or as I like to call it, the People's Elbow 2006. He tries for the FU but Benjamin lands on his feet, but misses a Stinger Splash, FU connects and Cena locks in the STFU. Benjamin taps about about 11-12 minutes. Very good hard fought match, but I'm guessing that was mostly Benjamins brilliance.
  • After the match Cena celebrates for a moment then bakes a B line for Edge. Cena tosses him in the ring but Lita hangs him up. Edge gets the upper hand and kills Cena with a Buzzkiller (god I wish he'd use that as his finisher) and a Spear. Edge and Lita decide to blow hit pop stand and head back to the hotel.

It Begins...

  • Hulk Hogan and his daughter will be at Saturday Nights Main Event. I'm really dreading the point when Randy Orton deflowers her on national television. Although who knows, this could turn into some bizarre sociological experiment, the acting will be so bad and the match will be even worse, it could be Lesnar/Goldberg from WM XX all over again. Kind of like watching a train wreck in slow motion, but a train wreck where both trains got on the same track and knowingly started racing at each other as fast as they could.

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Recaps - before the break and DX last week. I don't recap recaps.

Backstage

  • Eugene Snitsky and Torrie (what?) are watching Mr. McMahon play Daffy Duck to DX's Bugs Bunny last week. Wow, for being smoking hot Torrie keeps strange company. Eugene finds it all very amusing and Torrie and Snitsky suddenly stop laughing and split on him. We see why as Vince and Shane show up. They apparently didn't think it was funny, and decide to make an example of Eugene in a handicap match later tonight.

Creepy Guy Voice/Over

  • A graphic for Trish vs. Mileena shows as a really cheesy v/o tells us about the match. Wow, that is really lame, apparently they don't trust King and JR to sell it effectively.

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Trish Stratus vs. Melina w/Johnny Nitro

  • Melina varies her entrance by walking up the steps and then jumping into the splits. Thats one limber girl, Johnny must be happy. Trish is out with pants so low rise I can say with certainty that she waxes, probably Brasilian. But enough of my pervy commentary. Trish and Melina hook it up. I'm glad they moved Melina over to Raw, she has some great potential in the ring and I love how she screams and shrieks with every move. I've always liked vocal women. Melina heads up, but Trish hits the Stratusphere, then a flying head scissors. Spinebuster gets 2 and Trish calls for the Stratusfaction. Johnny tries to intercept, but Trish has him scouted and kicks him in the face. Melina seizes the opportunity and rolls Trish up. She grabs a handful of... well her thong, and that gets 3. Johnny is back in and they decide to dish a little more to Trish.
  • Carlito is out for the save and he and Trish are ready for a fair fight. Stereo Thesz presses and drop kicks clear the heels as Trish and Carlito celebrate in the ring. Play Carlitos music, apparently there's a mixed tag at SNME.

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Edge and Lita arrive at their hotel

  • But the room isn't ready yet, so they have to cool their heels in the bar. Tune the TV to Raw says Edge. Maybe this is how they'll up their ratings... just go around and tune TVs to Raw on their own.

Diva Serch girls smile vapidly for the camera, but honestly who cares?

The Highlanders vs. Rob Conway & Matt Stirker

  • Apparently the teacher and Conway want a rematch from last week. Dud. Another squash for the Scots. Again Striker won't get involved. Scot-drop finishes in under 5 minutes.

Backstage

  • Old man Flair is walking with a purpose. Maria is up in a smokin hot silver dress. Flair tells her that tonight it's all about business and he's going to tell "the truth" about Mick Foley. But he takes a minute to old man lear down her cleavage. Whats the truth Ric? That Foley can run circles around you on the mic and probably outwrestle you 9 times out of 10. Sorry, I really hate Ric Flair.

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Ric Flair gets put in his place... twice.

  • Rics out to tell us that Foley can't wrestle, thankfully Flairs senile ramblings are cut off by Mick. Foley gives a kick ass speech about how petty Ric is and how Mick is way tougher. True. Mick says Flair was a prick to work for. True again from what I hear. Says that Flair has a lot of nerve for accusing Foley of taking "the easy way out" when Flair had his shitty book ghost written while Mick did both of his (NY Times bestselling)books all by himself. True once again. Mick derides Flairs promo work and calls him a washed up hack. Still true. Mick says that he's done with Flair, he got what he needed at Vengence.
  • Ric says that Foley needs to stop whining about the past. You know once again Flair has a lot of balls accusing anyone of living off former glory. Once again Flair is thankfully interrupted by Paul Heyman. He brings out the new ECW champ. Big Show challenges Flair to a title match tomorrow night on ECW. Christ I really hope they aren't putting the belt on Flair. Big Show says he's the Only guy to have held WCW, WWE and ECW World gold. Flair accepts and they go to a stare down. Heyman gets Flairs attention long enough for Show to hit his brutal new Cobra Clutch Back Breaker. Then he tosses Flair like so much garbage.

Backstage

  • Eugene wants to apoligize if he hurt Vince's feelings. Vince and Shane beat Eugene up pretty good. Dump greet paint on him, drag him int he bathroom, head in the toilet. I'm still not seeing the point of all this.

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Backstage

  • Heyman asks Candace if she'll have a dance-off against Kelly on ECW. Candace wants to dance WITH Kelly. Well she did get a muff job (complete with one of the worst fake orgasms I've ever seen... not that I see them a lot) from some chick last week. I guess Candace swings both ways. Eh, she's too genericly hot and I'm past he point of getting overly excited about girls kissing.

Viscera vs. Charlie Haas

  • This is still going on? Whatever. Hass actually gets most of the offense which is refreshing to see. Lilian finally gets involved saying she wants to be "just friends" with both. Um, what? You want to be friends with the big fat black guy who dumped you for hookers and the guy who lied about sleeping with you? Wow Lilian has low standards. Big Vis is blinded by a thumb to the eye and accidentally kills Lilian dead with a Somoan Drop. Whoops. But wait, they both start laughing. So this was what? Their evil plot to beat up Lilian. Ugh this storyline gets dumber and dumber.

Hotel

  • Edge and Lita finally get their room keys. But they're a little tipsy. Off mimosas? Lightweights.

Silicone City

  • We meet the divas as hosted by the Miz. Ok, he may very well be the most face punchable guy I've ever seen. Now I see why they have him on SmackDown! as live TV is not for him. He can barely get through telling us how to vote before bringing out the bimbos. Watching him get lost in prepared dialogue is kind of amusing. In terms of the wannabe Divas, I still have to go with the local girl (Jen I think?). But I picked Christy (I like redheads) and Ashley (her punk/slut look seemed to work) so I'll try to make it three for three. Though I have to admit the one with the black straight hair seems to be a natural on the mic. They announce Diva boot camp on SmackDown! And I dont' watch SD!, oh darn.

Backstage

  • Hacksaw comes to Eugenes defense only to get a beat down of his own. Vince and Shane are on the warpath.

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Oh god he's gonna talk...

  • Orton is out to tell us that he can't wait to officially introduce himself to Hulk Hogan at SNME. And the trains pick up speed.

Randy Orton vs. Val Venis

  • Wow Venis really got the shaft if Vis and Haas are a full time team. Nothing match, Val eats an RKO and Orton gets the duke.
  • Randy tells us he can't wait to meet Brooke too. Eww.

Hotel

  • Edge and Lita tell the room service guy he forgot the champagne. I think we all know where this is going.

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SNME Card

  • DX vs. the Spirit Squad - Elimination rules
  • Carlito and Trish vs. Johnny Nitro and Melina - mixed tag
  • Batista, Rey and Lashley vs. Booker T w/Sharmel and Regal, Finlay and Mark Henry - six man tag
  • Bikini Bull Riding Contest
  • Hulk and Brooke Hogan will appear
  • Sabu vs. mystery opponent - Extreme rules
  • Edge (c) w/Lita vs. John Cena - WWE Championship

Hotel

  • Sure enough Cena busts in and smacks Edge around a bit. Yawn. Saw it coming.

Handicap Match

Vince and Shane McMahon vs. Eugene

  • The Spirit Squad is out and Vince does running commentary on the mic. Shane and the squad beat up Eugene until he Hulks up (quite literally as he's still covered with green paint). Big Boot, but the leg drop misses as the squad yanks Eugene out. Two Sis-Boom-Bah-dy Slams take the wind otu of his sails.
  • They set up for Shanes flying elbow but DX FINALLY shows up. Vince wants them to stand in the center of the stage. Trips and Shawn comically walk to both sides several times. When Vince finally goads them into standing in the proper spot, they just take a step forward and a net falls behind them. Very cliche, but still funny somehow. Vince is distracted so Eugene slides in and rolls him up for the 3.
  • Trips and Shawn find this hilarious. Trips is literally rolling on the ground. Once again we DX is left laughing at Vince. And Vince doesn't like to be laughed at. Oh well, such is life. We get one last look at an incensed Vince and we're out.

Not a bad show this week, but certainly clunky in some parts. The sad thing is I really like Haas, and I feel like he's being wasted. Big ups to Cena for having a good match, but that was more Benjamin, still, baby steps. And on that note... guess what folks? Thats the news and I am outta here.

See Ya in the funny pages.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Next Week....Maybe Some Recaps....And Other Stuff Perhaps?

Well it seems as the first solid week of recaps kind of sputtered a bit. I blame it on my lack of sleep due to family being in town for a week....but next week....LOOK OUT!! A couple of recaps and perhaps something on Friday as well...for now just enjoy the weekend. Go see Pirates of the Caribbean and don't get caught with weed like RVD....

Until next time...

Thursday, July 06, 2006

ECW waits again

Well I did have a spankin little ECW recap if I do say so myself, but the blogger thing pretty well ate it. In addition it's edging towards 1:30 and I really don't have the time or energy to retype the whole thing... I have work in the morning.

So here's an abbreviated look.
Kelly did her lame little strip tease thing until Mike Knox hit stopped it. Knox then squashed Guido with his snazzy Downward Spiral by way of Roll of the Dice finisher (Hard Knox?).

RVD spent the night arguing with Paul Heyman about a title match with Big Show. Heyman eventually agrees, a little too readily in the end. Something is afoot methinks.

Sandman beat up a guy pretending to be a priest. This joke is getting old.

Test re-debuted destroying Al Snow in the process. His new finisher is a Firemans Carry into a Stunner, I beleive the technical term is a TKO, except Marc Mero was a tool so I'll call it Test-icle Drop. Clever and dirty or just dirty? You be the judge.

Big Show became the first man ever to hold the WWE(F), WCW and ECW titles. Heyman of course turned on Rob allowing Show to hit a Choke Slam on a chair.

Next week I do Raw and I promise it will be better. Maybe I'll post some TNA thoughts since I've started watching it recently.

But guess what folks? Thats the news and I am outta here! See ya in the funny pages.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

ECW waits a week

Due to circumstances beyond my control (read: My DVR f'ed up) there will be no ECW recap this week. I know, hold back the tears. But if you really need a quick recap from what I've heard here goes....
  • Sandman beat the shit out of some male stripper....I'll take a guess and say he used his cane....
  • Kelly did her "Strip Tease that no one actually believes will end with her naked" bit again, but Mike Knox stopped her from not delivering on her nudity....
  • And RVD beat Kurt Angle and was speared by Edge (stunner)
There's is a brief synopsis of what went down....sounds like a GREAT show this week. Big doings next week as I'll be writing the RAW recap and maybe Dave will throw you a bone with an ECW recap as well....Enjoy the holiday weekend and DON'T WATCH SMACKDOWN! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

Until next week....