Running Random: WWE Backlash

Well after yesterday's NFL Draft I sat down and watched WWE Backlash and decided to give you yet another "Running Random" on the event. I didn't timestamp these things since I watched it off the DVR late Sunday night...but these are my thoughts as I watched the event...so enjoy...

2006 WWE Backlash

Well here I am again, another day, another running diary of my thoughts on an event. Now I'm pretty excited for this PPV because I think John Cena will FINALLY lose that damn title...but knowing my luck it won't happen. Let's hope for the best and get things started

Opening Video

• Vince thinks he's God, so he booked himself into a tag match with God....I only feel like this can get worse...
• Triple Threat match for WWE Title....Cena BETTER not win...
• JR is apparently calling the PPV...are they trying to phase out Styles so he can work ECW? Oops did I give away the surprise?

Chris "The Masterpiece" Masters vs. Carlito

• Pick: Carlito....how can Masters win this match?
• If you need any proof as to why people think wrestling is gay look no further than Chris Masters' entrance...yikes...
• Video plays of Carlito and Masters "feud"...King says the "turning point" was when Carlito hit Masters and turned on him....thanks for the tip King...
• Masters chokes Carlito with his own shirt....right in front of the ref...um is it me or isn't that illegal? Guess not anymore...
• Referee Mike Chioda is sporting a sweatband on his "pin counting arm"....yes he's that hardcore....
• Masters does a turnbuckle powerbomb on Carlito, which I have enjoyed doing on my PS2 for years now. First time I've actually seen it done for real though. Bravo....
• Masters goes for a cover after a leg drop, but only gets a two count. If that were Hulk Hogan it would be OVER.
• Carlito throws his apple across the ring...and apparently Masters is so stupid that he stares at the apple and Carlito kicks him in the shins....great storytelling...
• Carlito applies Master Lock (Full Nelson) to Masters....who then shows everyone how to break out of the move...so does that mean he won the Master Lock challenge?
• Carlito goes for a cover on Masters, and I think he was supposed to kick out before the three count, but apparently he forgot because the ref had to bail him out by slowing down the third count. Yes Masters is that bad of a wrestler....
• Carlito cheats and gets the win over Masters...thank God because I couldn't go through with that anymore...

Maria interviews Lita...recipe for disaster

• Before this they showed a sampling of Kentucky wrestling fans (no need for a joke here) and Lita makes a Dukes of Hazard crack...way to go Lita...must have thought long and hard for that zing

Umaga vs. Ric Flair

• Pick: Umaga...I really wish he'd just go away, but he's getting the win...
• Why did they saddle Jamal with this gimmick, and why can't people tell who he is? It's pretty obvious who's under the make-up people...
• Umaga vs. Flair = Biggest Boobs of the Night (Sorry Lita, thanks for playing)
• Flair with two shots to the groin in the first two minutes of the match...way to go the well more than necessary...
• Umaga gets the win using the worst finishing move I've ever seen. Imagine the Tornado Punch only much worse. This gimmick is going nowhere fast...which means Umaga will be IC champ by SummerSlam...
• JR goes way overboard in putting over Umaga...and then King makes an horrible illegal immigrant joke....followed by awkward silence for a moment and JR moving onto a different subject...classic stuff....

Vince and Shane promo

• Vince is looking abnormally tan for the second straight month. Apparently he must go to the same tanning place that Hogan frequents....
• Vince is talking about how he's going to go over on God tonight in their tag team match. Kids it always pays to be the booker...you can even make God pull a job apparently....
• As I listen to Vince compare himself to God I think I'm going to Hell just for paying for this....
• Apparently Vince's "God Power" is paying staffers to throw fish and bread from off camera....a "miracle" if I've ever seen one...

Mickie James vs. Trish Stratus - WWE Women's Championship

• Pick: Mickie James retains...either by win or DQ....this one's going to SummerSlam folks...
• Mickie goes for three straight covers....that always works....apparently she doesn't actually watch wrestling
• Trish gets the win via DQ, but Mickie's the champ...gotta love the non-finish...classic WWE

Maria interviews HBK

• HBK says Vince can't book God and God won't actually be there in person....really?
• HBK does the "Suck It" thing again...I really hope they aren't teasing the DX reunion just to be dicks...this better happen

RVD vs. Shelton Benjamin - WWE Intercontinental Title and Money in the Bank

• Pick: RVD...There is NO way RVD loses this match...he's using his money in the bank stip at ECW One Night Stand in June...
• Whatever happened to Shelton's mama? I love how they just drop gimmicks....like how Booker T actually lost the "T" from his name and never won it back....
• JR says RVD "loves 4:20" and then goes on talking about something completely different. What the hell? Way to connect the dots...
• RVD does his thumbs thing for the third time this match...over/under 30 more....
• Lots of chin locks after a couple of high spots. Apparently they are doing a tribute to Randy Orton...
• RVD misses a frog splash and does the great oversell job...Shelton then hits a STIFF DDT....fantastic....need more of those....
• Okay, why is it that everyone who fights RVD always brings a foreign object into the ring? You know it's just going to be used against you? Sure enough Benjamin brings in the briefcase and RVD ends up using it for the VanDammintor....shocking!
• RVD takes the victory and is now the IC Champ....looks to me like it's time for the "Ultimate Challenge" I just hope his promos leading up to it are as good as the Warriors...but alas I don't think that will happen...

Kane vs. Big Show

• Pick: Kane...because he has a movie opening...May 19 I think it is...
• It's evident that Kane can't separate his movies from reality....I hear Robert Downey Jr. has the same problem...
• Show does a promo before his match and references his FANTASTIC star turn in "The Waterboy" I can't believe the Academy overlooked his gritty portrayal of Captain Insano...
• Lilian Garcia shows how "great" of an actress she is as she feigns fear as she announces Kane....somebody needs a class or two at the Y
• Do I really need to comment on this match? It's two big guys wrestling....you know the drill...punches, kicks, a couple of body slams, and dueling chokeslams...
• Okay so the match has taken a turn for the worse.....the arena goes red and Kane's voice starts chanting "May 19th, It's coming" and all sorts of other garbage over the loud speakers. Kane is tormented by his voice and is rolling around the ring. If it was so bad then why did he record the track to be played over the speakers? This is probably the stupidest thing I've ever seen in the WWE....and I've seen Doink the Clown.
• I think what scares Kane about May 19th is the Da Vinci Code starring Tom Hanks' Haircut which opens that day....creepy...
• Big Show clobbers Kane with chair to end the madness. Show puts out some fake crying to show that he "cares" about Kane's mental state....more great acting....Basically this feud was so that you don't forget Kane's movie comes out May 19...it's the one you'll read on the showtime list that will fall right after the Da Vinci Code...so I guess no one will even know it's there.....

Vince and Candace in "Worse Backstage Skit Ever"

• Let me set the scene for you. Candace goes to Vince saying she has a chest cold, and since Vince is "God-Like" wants his healing powers. Apparently that means Vince feels Candace up, while Candace has an orgasm....I'm not kidding....They both WAY oversell things as the go towards the couch, and THANKFULLY Shane breaks up the festivities.
• JR then somes everything up...."What the hell was that?" Exactly....

HBK and God vs. Vince and Shane McMahon

• Pick: HBK...if only to end the madness
• Vince introduces God, who gets his own music and Titantron Video and a spotlight...classy. The spotlight makes its way towards the ring and Vince decides...to talk to it....yep it keeps getting better...Vince then tells "God" that the WWE gets "jiggy with it" so they started playing 70's disco music as the spotlight "danced" its way into the ring and while Vince danced as well. What....the....hell....am....I....watching.
• Vince decides to have more fun by asking the ref to check "God" for illegal stuff. The ref tries to tell Vince that it's only a spotlight, but Vince is having none of that....no...he's crazy!
• Finally HBK comes down to the ring...Vince keeps going with the crazy talk until HBK slaps the mic out of his hand. THANK YOU! God does indeed work in mysterious ways....
• Shane, per the usual in pay-per-view matches, takes a ton of stiff bumps on various hard objects. That man is a gamer...
• Vince and HBK crash from the stage "through the floor" Read: Through tables with padding underneath
• HBK is getting his ass beat in the middle of the ring....when is God coming in with the hot tag? Sorry had to make the joke....
• HBK is out in the center of the ring (various weapon shots) and Vince is back in the stick...Now he's talking to the ring post as if it were God...and he imagines God leaving HBK high and dry....guess God doesn't even want to stick around for this match...
• HBK gets his "second wind" as and hits double Sweet Chin Music...followed by DX crotch chops...DON'T TEASE ME!!
• HBK goes for huge ladder spot, but hits Spirit Squad instead...the Spirit Squad help the McMahons go over. King makes the unfortunate God joke..."The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit Squad" I can't believe this...now we're going to have to endure MORE of the Vince is God garbage...GOUGE OUT MY EYES!!!

Tough Questions Todd Grisham interviews John Cena

• Grisham calls Cena "Most Controversial WWE Champ in History" Controversy? What controversy? 90% of people hate him...that my friend is called a consensous...
• Cena says there is a "group" that wants Triple H to win title....that group...everybody....
• Cena then looks into camera and calls us "Haters"....nice comeback...HE BETTER LOSE DAMNIT!!

Triple thre....wait a Matt Stiker Segment?

• Striker segment on a PPV? Did I just change the channel to Heat or something?
• Eugene comes out and you know where this is going. Let's just say there is a "poop" chant and boogers were involved. This is the ammunition people have when they question why we watch wrestling....

Triple Threat match for WWE Title

• Pick: Edge...but as long as Cena doesn't win I'm happy
• Edge comes out and the crowd goes....apathetic...not his fault...Trips is the face in this one and Cena's the heel...so Edge is just "the other guy"
• HHH comes out to cheers (and he's a heel mind you) but sadly no Conan Thrown this time....makes me kinda sad...
• Cena comes out to boos...apparently Kentucky is full of "Haters"
• Traditional start to triple threat match...3 minutes of talking....
• Cena and HHH take turns playing "one up" while beating the crap out of Edge...good clean fun...even with Cena involved
• Cena goes for his Five Knuckle Shuffle (a little less stupid then Umaga's punch) but Lita gives him the low bridge on the ropes....for once I'm actually happy with Lita cheating (inside joke...sorry if you didn't get it)
• Edge tries to DDT HHH through Spanish Announce Table...but Table is sick of being beaten up and is having none of it...HHH just takes a hard shot on table and falls off of it....
• Cena slaps on the...ugh...STFU....on Edge. HE BETTER NOT TAP DAMNIT! HHH grabs Edge's hand so there is no tap...Thank God...or should I say Thank McMahon...wait...no....
• Cena now tries STFU on HHH....no way HHH is tapping again....and he gets out of it....
• Lita has a chair in the ring and goes after HHH, but gets nailed with a GREAT spinebuster from Trips. He does the best spinebuster in the business. AWESOME!
• HHH foregoes the chair for a sledgehammer under the ring....not a good decision...these things never end well...sure enough Edge hits him with the spear....
• Cena's has Edge up for the FU (BOO)...REVERSE TO PEDIGREE (CHEER)...Reverse to roll up...wait...NOOOOO!!! Cena pins HHH on crappy roll up. DAMNIT!!! WHY DO YOU KEEP THE BELT ON THIS GUY!!! Thankfully HHH takes out our collective anger on Cena with a sledgehammer. He then does the DX crotch chop, walks up the ramp and does it again for good measure....I suppose I can overlook this Cena win if the end result is DX getting back together....let's hope it happens because I can't take much more of this....

And that's that. I did a pretty good job picking the winners but the one match I really cared about ends with Cena and the win....DX BETTER GET BACK TOGETHER TOMORROW!! I MEAN IT!!!

Until next time....