Running Random: WWE Vengeance

Written with love by Brad

Had to show this picture when it comes to this PPV. Nothing beats Mick Foley beating the shit out of Ric Flair. Classic stuff. Here's my running random from a pretty good WWE Vengeance pay-per-view last night. As always not a move for move recap...more like my random comments I think of during the event....Enjoy!

Opening Video

• Menacing monologue talks about "Vengeance" (imagine that) while we're shown shots of John Cena being essentially Superman. There is NO WAY he is losing tonight
• Then we move to RVD and Edge...again...I'm 99% sure Edge is the winner tonight
• And last but not least we get out recap of McMahon going nuts and forcing the return of DX....100% sure the Spirit Squad gets the win tonight....just kidding DX kicks their asses...

Randy Orton vs. Kurt Angle

• We're live from Charlotte, which is Ric Flair country....so I'm sure he'll get a big ovation...we're starting with this match? Huh...I guess they are trying to warm up the crowd for Kane vs. Kane (CAN'T WAIT!!!)
• Randy Orton makes his entrance and has there been anyone else in wrestling who looks as much like a douchebag as Orton? I mean he just has that smug look on his face all the damn time....he should model for Abercrombie...he'd be PERFECT!
• Start of the match and apparently they decided to play slap fight as they are just slapping each other's hands. Did they mix up the script with one for a women's match or something?
• Kurt is busting out a bunch of amateur wrestling holds, makes me nostalgic for my old wrestling days (although walking around in a singlet wasn't really a highlight)
• Angle tries to German Suplex Orton to the floor, but Randy's hands are holding the rope and they are strong from all the "workouts" he gives them. Not saying what those workouts are, but with his romance skills I doubt he really gets a lot of dates. Girls don't like it when you poop in their gym bags Randy!
• Randy hits the devastating eye gouge on Kurt. A move made famous by Moe and Shemp
• During this match the King gets in all sorts of ECW Zingers. My fave "Most of the ECW fans aren't watching because they don't carry us in prison" ZING!!
• J.R. just said that while Orton is a good looking specimen he wouldn't want to date him. You and the rest of the WWE Divas....
• Orton subjects us to his second rear chin lock of the night....and the crowd is energized to the point where they can't make a sound. That's energy right?
• Orton has decided it's high time to expose the turnbuckle. Typically this is a sign of impending doom for RKO, but I think he's winning this match so Angle will get screwed on this one...
• Angle hits EIGHT (!) German Suplexes in a row! I would be even more impressed had he not stolen that gimmick from Chris Benoit...
• Kurt has just taken down the straps of his singlet. It's time to finish this douchebag...or lose, either way this match is almost over.
• Angle gets the Ankle Lock, but doesn't grapevine the leg which allows Orton to struggle for the ropes. Why the hell doesn't he grapevine the leg everytime? He always wins when he does that, doesn't it just make sense? AM I THE LAST SANE MAN ON THIS PLANET?!?
• Sure enough Randall kicks Kurt who goes head first into the exposed turnbuckle and staggers right into an RKO....and your winner via pinfall Randy Orton! Crowd is actually excited for this which makes me cry inside....
• They show a sign in the crowd that says "RKO WILL KILL ECW" and it's held by....a girl...can't make this stuff up

Vince McMahon's Backstage Tomfoolery (tm)

• Vince is on the phone with someone and is really trying to sell the Spirit Squad, when a kid in a wheelchair rolls up...what?
• Vince is so paranoid that the kid is just a joke from DX that he chastises him and then pushes him out the door where a crash sound effect signifies that the child has probably been killed. McMahon smirks....he's just that evil
• Cue the punchline as Coach runs into to talk to Vince and tells him that one of his family members is here and that he loves Vince. I don't know if I should spoil it for you but I think you know where this is going. Crowd actually laughs at this which means I'm even more scared for humanity.

Umaga vs. Eugene

• Armando gets on the mic pre-match which means awesome results. I'm half Cuban and the man does the accent perfectly. Amazingly enough he doesn't seem to mind the crowd singing along with him as much as it bothered him Monday....that's called continuity....or a lack of it at least.
• Is it just me or is Eugene's gimmick old as hell? There is only so many times I can watch a mentally challenged person get beat up time and time again. The joke isn't funny anymore damnit!
• Eugene has brought some friends with him for backup....first Hacksaw is reanimated again...and then...Doink? Dear God someone needs to put that poor bastard down...
• Kamala is Eugene's third friend and Jamal err...Umaga should get a good look at his future. Someday he'll just be the backup for some retard.
• A STUNNING (read: not) squash for Umaga via the Samoan Thumb of Doom (tm) and then he decides to destroy the Has-Beens as they attack Black Ninja style (for you idiots that means one at a time)
• Kamala gets in the ring to get his whooping but Armando calls Umaga off? What? This unstoppable monster is afraid of a fat guy with some stupid makeup on? Does this mean we have to watch these two feud? I'll get the chair, you can get the rope....

"Tough Questions" Todd Grisham interviews Mick Foley

• Mick decides it's "Storytime with the Rock" and reads from Flair's "novel" Fantastic stuff as he reads how Flair describes him as a glorified stuntman in the book. Mick then promises to out wrestle Flair.....this should be good

Two out of Three Falls
Ric Flair vs. Mick Foley

• We start the match and Foley is really trying to wrestle with Flair. Flair keeps getting Foley's arm twisted but Mick keeps grabbing the ropes. This match sucks so far which means Mick is doing a great job of storytelling. AWESOME!
• Foley in control and hits the Double Arm DDT....if this were Cactus Jack this would be over...wait...
• Mick then pulls out Socko which is decorated to look like Ric Flair as the real Flair staggers to his feet, but before Mick could hit the mandible claw Flair grabs onto his nuts. Yikes. He's like the old dude in Dirty Work....(if you get that reference then you are officially my friend)
• Flair, for reasons beyond rational thought, decides it would be a good idea to jump from the top rope and give Mick the old double axehandle....and then hurts is knee. YOU'RE OLD RIC DON'T DO THAT SHIT!
• Foley regains control and goes for the Figure 4 (he's a jerk like that) but Flair rolls him up for the three and the first fall of the match (1-0 Flair)
• Mick decides it's been enough of this "wrestling" garbage and goes under the ring where magically there is a garbage can full of goodies. Who puts that shit there every night?
• Mick goes after Ric with garbage can (apparently looking for the DQ) but Flair hits him in the nuts (again) and locks on the Figure 4....but Mick isn't going down like that...he grabs the can and hits Flair in the face as the ref calls for the bell. Your winner in a sweep (!) Ric Flair...
• But Mick isn't done with Flair...oh no...he proceeds to beat the living hell out of him with both a garbage can and a bat with barbwire wrapped around it. HOLY SHIT! Flair is bleeding so much that his face is covered as well as his neck and shoulders. MICK FOLEY IS OFFICIALLY MY HERO!!! Nothing makes me smile more then Ric Flair getting his ass kicked!
• The ref brigade comes out to break things up. The director recaps all of this nicely for us via many camera cuts. Mick is happy, Flair is bloody, and old people and children in crowd are horrified. Classic unintentional comedy. Laughed my ass off at the horrified old lady. Why is she at wrestling matches?

Maria interviews Carlito

• Maria starts this off by getting all smart on us and Carlito is stunned. Did I miss a meeting or something? Is she supposed to be smart now?
• Torrie then rolls into the shot and asks Maria if she'll rub baby oil on her. She then asks Carlito to hold her "puppies" and if you don't see the joke coming from a mile away you should go hang with Eugene and Doink.
• Maria and Torrie spread the oil all over each other as Carlito gives hilarious running commentary. Great stuff!

Intercontinental Title
Triple Threat Match
Shelton Benjamin (c) vs. Carlito vs. Johnny Nitro

• Nitro has a great entrance with Melina...but he again covers Melina's assets as she gets into the ring. This is a pay-per-view Johnny! Give the people what they want!
• Nitro shows his ring awareness at the start, but letting Carlito and Shelton beat the crap out of each other while he stood outside with Melina. Great move...very Triple H like out of Nitro....
• Carlito catapults Nitro over the top rope while Shelton is on the ground outside of the ring. Um, wouldn't you want Nitro in the ring to pin if Shelton is outside writhing on the pain on the ground? Anybody?
• Carlito shows his stuff by hitting a springboard moonsault onto Shelton AND Nitro outside of the ring. CARLITO RULES!
• BEST SPOT OF THE NIGHT! Nitro in the tree of woe in the corner with Carlito sitting on ropes above him. Shelton jumps up and grabs Carlito and goes for Superplex, but Nitro sits up and superplexes both Shelton AND Carlito! CRAZY SHIT!!!
• End Game: Carlito hits the backcracker on Shelton, but is pulled out of the ring by Nitro who covers Shelton for the pin. And we have a new champion....nice to see Nitro pulling the old Kurt Angle championship win (sorry if you haven't watched wrestling long enough to get that reference)

Vince's Backstage Tomfoolery (tm) #2

• Vince is in his office with the Spirit Squad trying to get them pumped up to "destroy" DX. "DX is a disease and you are the cure" Riveting dialogue...
• Just noticed Mitch has a Biohazard symbol tattooed on his arm. He's hardcore....except for that male cheerleader thing....
• Spirit Squad leaves and Vince looks at the (ugh) Penis Pump DX had left for him that's sitting on his end table....he then goes through the horrible long process of debating whether or not to use it. He then grabs it and goes into the bathroom, but instead of a pump noise we hear a spray can....Vince then walks out with green paint all over his face. It's better then having hairy palms Vince! Remember doing that stuff will make you go blind....GOD IS WATCHING!

WWECW Championship
Rob Van Dam (c) vs. Edge (w/Lita)

• Edge makes his entrance and Lita is looking as slutty as ever, but I'm not a fan of the bangs she's sporting now....that just sounded pretty gay....
• Edge looks ready to regain the title....and that should happen in about 15 minutes....
• Between entrances JR wishes the Rock well in his recovery from his recent injury. This is code for "PLEASE COME BACK FOR WRESTLEMANIA ROCK....PLEASE!!"
• Edge cuts a wicked anti-North Carolina logo. He bashes the Carolina Hurricanes (I agree that no team in the South should have a hockey championship...just silly) and even gets in a brothers dating sisters crack. Classic heel shit there....
• RVD makes his entrance and the crowd goes....apathetic....what do you expect when you set up ECW as a heel organization? He's not getting cheered or booed...which is sad...
• Edge hits RVD with sunset flip onto the floor outside of the ring....LOTS of great outside of the ring action going down tonight.
• King continues with the CONSTANT ECW bashing. Yes King, we get it, ECW could stand for "Extremely Crappy Wrestling." It wasn't funny the first 3,546 times you said it. Could someone just turn his mic off?
• We get a ref bump, and Lita makes a bee-line for the belt and she hands it to Edge...why do RVD's opponents ALWLAYS do this stupid shit...Edge then holds the belt up to his face for some reason and RVD hits the VanDaminator as he gets up. Gee...that NEVER happens when RVD's opponent brings a weapon into the ring. WHEN WILL PEOPLE LEARN?!?!
• RVD goes for the Five Star, but Lita makes the save...phew...RVD as a champ is just not good TV folks...
• Edge gets the upper hand again and is waiting for RVD to get up for the spear. For some reason beyond normal thinking Lita is holding a chair up behind RVD...which means only one thing....Edge goes for the spear, misses and hits the chair. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?! JR says Edge was going to spear RVD into the chair, but the chair was placed INSIDE of the turnbuckles so RVD would have him them first and not the chair. Great looking spot, but the logic is FUCKING RETARDED!
• RVD goes up and this time he hits the Five Star and gets the pin...What? They're keeping the belt on RVD? Um, yay?

ECW Celebrates

• We go to the back where ECW is enjoying the RVD victory, and Paul E. gives a pep talk for the upcoming Cena match. Um, is that an Amish guy in the background? How is an Amish guy not considered "sports entertainment" and in turn considered "hardcore?" I scanned the group if you were wondering and no sign of Macho Libre or the Zombie....DAMNIT!

Best Match Ever
Kane vs. "Imposter" Kane

• YESSS!!!! The match we've all been waiting for!
• A TON of technical wrestling to start....a couple of moonsaults and a northern lights suplex...great stuff.....Nah I'm just fucking with you....horrible big guy brawling...hurts my brain...
• So many punches and no real moves going on....and it's been another five minutes....getting ready to gouge out the eyes....
• Quote from the King, "Every move the imposter does is the exact same thing Kane does." Except that he SUCKS....
• JR calls this an "ugly match".....NO SHIT!
• Kane goes up top for the flying lariat but the Imposter grabs him for the chokeslam and that's it. I guess this means this horrible feud will probably continue to SummerSlam where the "payoff" will be an unmasking of the imposter. Storylines like this make me die a little inside....

Extreme Lumberjack Match
Sabu (w/ECW Jobbers) vs. John Cena (w/RAW Jobbers)

• Nice to see Val Venis getting some work as a RAW Lumberjack....is there a sadder collection of talent then that surrounding the ring? Matt Striker? Balls Mahoney? Viscera? The list goes on and on....
• Cena comes out to boos and girl cheers and JR calls him a soldier....way to keep things in perspective JR....
• JR then makes the best comment all night when he compares Cena to Moses as he "parts" the Lumberjacks on the way to the ring....We're all going to hell for listening to this stuff...
• Cena is thrown outside the ring and is mauled by the Amish guy and Al Snow. I wish I were making this stuff up...
• Cena gets back in and is thrown out again...this time he eats the business end of Sandman's Cane. And with that Sandman's out of ideas and just throws Cena back in....thanks for playing!
• Sabu hits the triple jump moonsault, which is always awesome....and it's good for a two count (duh)
• Sabu is basically kicking Cena's ass left and right around the ring....and we all see what's coming...another ridiculous Superman comeback for Cena....
• Cena back on the outside being held on a table by Sandman and Dreamer while Sabu sets up his props for a big spot....but Big Vis comes into make the save and Cena hits Sabu in the face with the cane....Sad that Big Vis is getting a pay-per-view paycheck out of this....
• Back in the ring Cena picks up Sabu for the FU and does it.....by throwing him through the table on the outside of the ring....Sabu is fucking nuts by the way....
• Vis rolls Sabu back into the ring and instead of just pinning him Cena has to lock in the STFU and after a minute Sabu half ass taps. I just threw up in my mouth a little there. Why do you have Sabu tap to that gay ass move? IF YOU WANT CENA TO WIN JUST HAVE HIM PIN HIM DAMNIT!!! Is this stuff so hard to write?

Stilted Dialogue Theater

• After a bunch of replays and an ad for SummerSlam, RVD bumps into John Cena in the back and then RVD reads off his cue cards in some of the worst talking in recorded history. I...mean...why...can't...he...just...have...a...natural...speech...pattern...instead...of...speaking...with ....long...pauses?
• In the end RVD challenges Cena to a WWE Title match on RAW tomorrow....DEAR GOD WHY?!?! So they are putting the title back on Cena.....WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!!!

Handicap Match
D-Generation X vs. The Spirit Squad (w/Trampoline)

• Long ass entrance for DX, but I loved every second of it. What can I say, I'm a sucker for 1997....good year....
• Triple H gets the crowd to say "SUCK IT" followed directly by HBK getting them to say it as well. I never thought I'd miss the Outlaws (especially Bad Ass Billy Gunn) but this makes me....at little.....
• Triple H and HBK can't agree who goes in first so they go with the old Paper, Scissors, Rock for it. If you're keeping score at home HBK got the win with Scissors over Paper....you had to know Triple H wouldn't pick the Rock (get it? HA HA HA HA...yeah it wasn't funny)
• This match is pretty much what you expected, a little Black Ninja action, some wacky cheerleader hijinks and such and such...no need to comment really
• End Game: Pedigree from Triple H on somebody followed by Sweet Chin Music for someone else....and your winners are DX
• Post match DX beats the hell out of the Spirit Squad, and then they decide to start a new club. The Triple H Up My Ass Club. Trips pulls down his pants and HBK sticks Mitch's face completely up Trips ass crack....They aren't paying Mitch enough money....yuck!
• Vince then comes out and stands on the entrance ramp smiling smugly and tells Triple H and HBK that "he'll see them tomorrow night" Squeeze in the copyright and that's all she wrote.....

Well that pretty much sums it up. Not the greatest show ever, but not the worst either. Kind of left me feeling like it was a long commercial for RAW tomorrow, but we'll see how things go. Tomorrow is the beginning of another dark chapter that is another Cena title reign...I'm sure you're all looking forward to it.....God help us.....

Until next time....